Melting Like Wax
by Alan Spencer
Summary: Homura struggles to live in a world not meant for her, a world without Kaname Madoka. Two-Shot. Pre and Post Rebellion.
1. Chapter I

**Melting Like Wax**

Homura felt like she was already dead.

She never had a good life, nothing really solid to hold on. To begin with, she had never know the warm of love, having grow in a strict, catholic orphanage. She never had friends, having been the awkward, shy, bookish kid since the beginning. Nothing made her that way. She was just like that, since the beginning.

It was a simple story. She wanted to make friends, be a normal girl. But no matter how much she thought about what to say, there was just a feeling from deep down within her that made her nervous to say anything. Like she would be shoot down, anyway. So the conversations she tried to initiate always ended up one way and one way only: with her shuttering badly, trying to bring the scattered shards of her thoughts into a coherent sentence. So eventually none of the children like her, distanced herself from her and laughed at her or some such when they actually brothered to notice her. Before she knew it, all that she left was her books.

It wasn't like she was reading solely to take refuge in it, but she had to admit that it stung.

Not having a family, she had specially be fascinated by works about orphans discovering their real family and obtaining happiness eventually, through many arguments, disagreements and all sorts of awkwardness. The struggles didn't put her off. If anything, without the struggles she wouldn't have read through it. It grounded the work in reality. Because, of course, normal happiness wouldn't be easily obtained.

No, that wasn't the whole truth. If others had obtained normal happiness so easily, then why hadn't that happened to her? She would have questioned that, and utterly refused to consider that her current live didn't have some sort of meaning, that it wouldn't get better nor get worse and it would only be a continuation of her current existence, as if she was drifting through a void. As a child, even though she couldn't put it into words, that though terrified her the most.

And all of that had changed when she meet Madoka.

She had been and still was like a shining start to her. Right when she had realized that there was nothing to her in this world, when she had be thinking of ending it all, she had come and saved her, proving her wrong. She couldn't never forget her warm smile. She couldn't never forget that she extended her hand to her, of all people. She had felt alive for the first time in her whole life. She had grabbed her hand, and Madoka clasped. Even then, she had bowed that she would grow strong. So Madoka could be proud of her. So she could protect her. So she could compensate her for what she meant to her.

Now, she was gone.

Completely gone. She knew it. It didn't have anything to do that she was told so by that very person at what felt an eternity ago. She could felt it, deep down in her very bones. Kaname Madoka didn't exist. Kaname Madoka wasn't even a concept. The kid girl that had saved her had be erased from this world, as if her existence was trash that could so easily be throw away.

Homura held her Soul Gem to her chest, eyes half closed and brimming with tears. Was that small warm an illusion, or it was it proof that even though she was gone, she was here and would watch up for her? She didn't know. She couldn't know. She couldn't even think straight now.

But she had to believe it was so. Because she didn't, she would snap.

* * *

Homura had an ordinary life to return to, even now. So she went to school as if nothing had happened, as if nothing had changed. As if there wasn't a student that shouldn't be there sitting in a chair that should have be occupied by her. She was an adept liar, and she had be faking smiles since long before any of this happened, so it wasn't hard to pretend she was the Akemi Homura she had be a day and a lifetime ago.

Madoka had given her a chance at a normal life. All she wanted was to be with her, that was her sole wish, but still it didn't change that she had sacrificed herself so that Puella Magi could live happily. She was at fault for her sacrifice, so if she didn't take this chance it would be like saying everything was a lie. She couldn't let that happen.

This new world had erased the burden of a Puella Magi, it just made it much lighter. Even though they would die once the magical energy would run out, they wouldn't transform into a Witch. These Wraiths were easier to handle that Witches, too, and, moreover, thanks to the Grief Cubes the distrust and competition between Puella Magi never happened, since there was more that enough energy for all of them, so they could all freely cooperate. It was almost what she had dreamed of, so many years ago. Yes, almost.

If only Madoka were there, it would have be perfect.

* * *

Homura meet the girl's family at the park today, in the afternoon.

Meeting with Madoka's mother and father had be nice, in a sense, but the most important meeting of that day had been her meeting with her little brother. It was the very reason she had stopped on her way, after all. In the sand, with a tree branch, he had been drawing somebody who was clearly Madoka.

He shouldn't have be able to. Madoka should have be erased, in everything but for her memories. And yet, he remembered. Maybe not clearly, but he remembered her image. She didn't know how, or why, but he did. He even remembered her name. She heard it clearly from his little lips.

She had felt so happy then. More alive that dead. She had smiled from the bottom of heart. Through that whole long, long journey, the month and half that she had tirelessly repeated, she had only really smiled when she had be with Madoka. This was the first time she hadn't because of that. She simply felt a deep sense of relief.

To be honest, she hated it. More that hating Madoka's sacrifices, she hated the mere thought that it would go forgotten. That the Puella's of this new world would take their easy, comfortable lives for grated and she would have to sit in the dark, remembering and not saying anything. To her, this was a reassurance. That at least her little brother remembered Madoka meant the world for her. She had very nearly cried, right there and there.

The impossible. Maybe that simple drawing in sand, that event, was brought by Madoka herself as a message for her. As if saying 'I'm here, I know your strength'. As if telling her to kept on going. Wishful thinking? Maybe, yes, but as things were the little things were all she could hold on to.

* * *

One day, while idly overlooking the city, she told Kyubei everything. She told it the truth about this world. How it started, about all her struggles, and about how it all came to an end with nice little bow and how things had changed.

It hadn't be for any particular reason, really. It was just how it seemed. She indulging a whim. Sure, telling Kyubei wouldn't help anybody and, in the first place, she wasn't even sure it believed her, though it had listened to her story. But it wouldn't do any harm, either. So it was just a pointless whim, nothing more. She didn't have a reason, but there was no need of a reason in the first place.

… At least, that was what she told herself.

But there was a reason, lurking deep down within her.

* * *

Months of fighting. Compared to back then, this was nothing. Because, she didn't have to try to kept herself one step ahead of Kyubei, prepare herself to take advantage of her knowledge to shift the time line into something that would benefit her more, fighting for something greater that herself and her fleeting happy moments shadowed with the knowledge of what was to come and the fear that she wouldn't manage to stop it, even this time. It was child's play.

The hard part was living on.

Without Madoka, there was no point to her life. She had tried. She had really tried. She had lived her life as normal student during those months, and tried to get allow with Sayaka, Kyoko and Mami, hoping that some sort of connection would form. Hoping that she would live on, and obtain some sort of happiness, so she wouldn't make Madoka's sacrifice be useless for her. But she couldn't.

Because Madoka wasn't there anymore. Because she always had in her mind that this was real, that this world wasn't real, that it shouldn't be real because Madoka had be here before and now she wasn't. She started to hate everything she saw, those people happily living their lives unaware of Madoka's sacrifice. And, most of all, she started to hate herself more and more.

It was all… so pointless. She didn't want this. This normal, almost perfect world. There was only one single imagine burned in her mind. Madoka smiled brightly, extending her hand towards her. She only needed her. As long as she could be by her side, as long as both of them could be happy, she didn't need anything else. But here, she had nothing. Her struggles had added up to nothing.

There was a sense of weightless. As she walked through the hallways of the school, after being discharged from the hospital, she almost felt like had be here before. Not only once or twice, but many times. It was such a fleeting feeling that she was on the verge of forgetting it, but it remained there, on a back of her mind sort of way. She didn't think about the meaning on it, if there was even any. It would only be a distraction.

After all, this was the start of her new life.


	2. Chapter II

Even now, Homura didn't feel alive at all.

She had got what she wanted. Madoka's happiness, releasing her from the burden of godhood. She had gave her back her normal life, a happy existence in which she wouldn't take on these burdens and be hurt meaninglessly. The Incubators couldn't interfere with her new world, because she was strong enough to subjugate them. And she would be there, too, in a sense, to steer her away from breaking her freedom and going back head first to her own prison.

Still, nothing really changed inside of her. The hole in her heart was still there. It was, because she wouldn't be with Madoka again. It was, because that simple fact hurt her so much she thought she could die. Even though Madoka was happy, even thought this was the best possible, she still wanted to be with her. And... for what happened at that moment, when she had changed everything.

That single moment, burned into her mind. Her warm smile, and her hand extending towards her as she laid. It had felt so much like that day, even though it really wasn't all that similar. Even the way she had called out her name reminded her of that day. She was descending from heaven to save her. Than that wouldn't have saved her, but killed her didn't change that her intentions were good. And she, through her reassurances, had always be planning on taking her place by force.

It was a simple story. So simple she couldn't even remember when she had first thought about it. Kaname Madoka had manage to become what she had be because being the centre of her time loops had gave her power, and she was only the motive for it. So, naturally, she who had started it, who retained her memories through all that hell, would also have despair entered on her. Not much, but enough to cut her from the source of her powers and take her place on her moment of weakness.

The problem was that, no matter how much she tried, she didn't have the power to kept this up forever. Someday-she didn't now when, but someday- she would break through the barrier. And then, it would e ll or nothing. If she fell there, Madoka would go back to nothing. To being compensated for nothing. She clenched her hands hard enough to draw blood.

* * *

A long time had passed since then, and it kept on passing. Cold days that went from nowhere to nowhere. Even toying with Kyubei, letting out all the anger and hatred of those long years on it, had grow dull. Now she only sat by the cliff side, staring at the deep darkness in front of her.

There was a sudden, loud crack. She moved her head up, up, up, the beating of her heart hammering in her ears. She was there. Of course she was there. As if reigning over the dark heavens, she was staring down at her with a calm expression. She was unarmed, because of course she was. She gave her a warm smile, like always.

"Homura-chan."

Even her voice was just like always, but it didn't matter. She wouldn't allow it to matter. She was fighting for her sake, even though Madoka didn't see it like that. So she couldn't hold back, even against her. Her wing rose, extended to the sides, flapped. She rose up in the air, putting herself on Madoka's level.

"That's your answer, then, Homura-chan." it wasn't a question.

They clashed. Each attack shook this empty haven. This fight, she had a low chance of coming out of the top. Her power was inferior to Madoka's power, and now that she was out, she would recover the strength she had took from her. If she didn't end things quickly enough, this would be over. She couldn't let that happen.

She had already failed, once. She was a joke of a guardian. But still, she couldn't allow her to carry that burden any more. If she had done so because she wanted, it would have be fine. But she hadn't really wanted to do it. That much was clear. Her wish had be result of being faced with the darkness of reality, while she was powerless, unable to do anything but cry, regret and watch as things fell apart around her.

In that state of mind, of course she would grasp into anything that would validate that suffering, that would compensate for all the sadness and death. She was kind, but she couldn't never do something like that on her right mind. That wish also meant killing herself.

A voice inside of her whispered that it might be the truth, but it didn't have anything to do with her own actions.

Homura gritted her teeth.

"Why did you do it?" Madoka asked. Damn. She was so calm, but she couldn't even breathe.

"Do you even have to ask? I swore I would protect you, no matter how many times it would take me. I swore it. This, all of this, was for the sake of protecting you, Madoka. That foolish wish of yours... It did good, but it took away normal happiness from you. You remember it, too, right? When I had to shoot you from the first time? You must remember to how many times I watched you die, how many times I had to end your life with my own hands to stop your suffering. How many times I had to see you cry, be miserable, watch the death of your dearest friends. And in the end of it all I had to watch you kill yourself for the sake of the universe. Can you blame me for wanting to give you happiness? So stand down. I take on that burden."

"There isn't anything to protect the universe in your world, Homura-chan. No Puella Magi, nor anything."

"If there was, you would have throw yourself in that role. I know you. I know you better that anybody. How could I let that system stand, then?"

Silence.

"Answer me!"

"You haven't be telling me the whole truth, right, Homura-chan?"

"...That's right!" her face twisted into a snarl. "Of course, I started to hate how things had ended up. You left me there, alone, on that world and I just had to grasp into anything to continue to believe that it was for the best, that you did this choice for my sake. That you knew me better that anybody else, so of course there had to be a reason you kept apart from you. But I couldn't kept on believe it. Can you blame me? That illusion only existed in my mind, in the first place. The truth is that you don't know me as well as I thought. You believed I could be fixed, right? But that's a mistake. I was broken from the start and, in any case, I have be fighting and fighting and fighting for more that ten years.

Do you understand what that means? Nearly half of my whole life, spend in absolute hell. Reliving my absolute hell, with only a vain hope to kept me sane. I had to kill. I had to do horrible things, and no matter how many times I failed, I believed that the next time could be the last as long as I didn't betray my promise. I didn't care of what I lost, what I would have to lost and about the things I dropped so as long as you would be all right, happy and smiling, and the end on my long road.

I killed, I killed, and killed. In the beginning I tried to be as I was, I tried to get the help of everybody, be honest, and don't do bad things. But everybody pushed me away. I was everybody's enemy. Everybody but you.

I had to watch the ugliest side of the people I grow to like, over and over again. Mami going crazy, killing Kyoko. Trying to kill me, only for you to be forced to kill her. Many things like that happened, over and over. But every single time, only you remained as you were on my mind, on those days everything started. Because you were pure, strong. kind and caring and everything I'm not. You always, _always_ were the Kaname Madoka I loved. You still are.

There is no fixing me. As I said, I was broken from the start, and the time loops only brokn me even more, past the point of no return. So of course I need you, and I need you to be happy… and yet, despite everything, you didn't understand that."

"Homura-chan..."

"Do you think I wanted things to end up like this?!" she clawed at her heart. As if she would tear it out. As it she would stop the overwhelming emotions boiling inside of her. "No. I tried, Madoka. I tried. I tried to live like you wanted, but I just couldn't. And even when I gave up, I tried to stop this for happening. I told Kyubei everything. I didn't acknowledge it, even to myself, but the truth is that I did it in hopes that would step down from your heaven, that you would take me away with you even if it was only to protect your precious law and order. But you never did. And when I told it everything, I kept holding to the hope that this would get your action, that you would chose me, for once. And you know what..." her smile widened. "It sure as hell got your attention, didn't it?"

"Homura-chan… I see, so it was like that. I'm sorry. I thought it was for your own good, but I was wrong. I take you to the Lawn Of Cycles with me, so please, stop this. Surrender."

"...No."

"Why?"

"That I was motivated by that doesn't change that you shouldn't take on that burden. You have your life, back there. Go back to it. Be happy, and don't worry about the universe. You don't have to take on burdens that aren't yours, to begin with. You don't have to do things like that, and especially not because of will. Nothing was your fault. Its not your duty to sacrifice yourself."

"Life? Homura-chan, that wasn't my life." Madoka's smile seemed… "Not really. I never moved for years out of Mitakihara, only to come back."

"That's..."

"Why, Homura-chan? Why did you do that?"

"...Isn't… Isn't that obvious? You betrayed me. You betrayed my feelings. You had good intentions, like always, but it doesn't change that. So I wanted you to have a taste, a small taste, of what I felt from so long. Of being an outsider. Of not knowing the people you knew. Of depending on the kind girl who extended her hand to you. Its only a shadow of what I felt… but even so, I wanted you to felt it. So you could understand me, in some small way. Understand what I did in some small way."

"I see. Its true… I felt relieved when you extended your hand to me. I felt like even in this world of strangers, there was somebody who would be my friend and remain by my side."

"That's it, that's it, Madoka!" her enraptured voice pounded on her own ears.

"But that doesn't change that this is wrong, Homura-chan." those words were driven into her chest like a knife. And twisted in the wound.

And that moment, it ended. Maybe because of carelessness, maybe because she just couldn't kept going anymore. But the attack reached her, and the explosion of the arrow drove her back down into the earth, into the field of flowers below them. She hit the ground with enough force to make it crack.

It hurt. Her whole body burned. Get away. She had to get away and give her body time to heal. It hurt so much, but she didn't care what condition her body was in. As long as she could still fight, she couldn't give up. She couldn't give up even if she couldn't move. Because, she had to make Madoka happy.

A gentle descent. Madoka descended to the field of flowers, and started walking towards her. Along the way, the bow in her left hand disappeared. She was unarmed again. Her smile was small, but soft. And her eyes were full of warmness, even now. Even after all she had done and said.

She… She had to escape. She tried to fly away, but realized that her wings were broken. A weary chuckled escaped her mouth. Had they broke now, or were they broken from the start, and she was only realizing it just now? Yeah. The freedom of flying had always just be an illusion. Even as a goddess, she was trapped in a cage.

Madoka reached her. Madoka reached her, keeled in front of her, took her face in her hands and turned it towards her.

"It's okay." Madoka softly said, one hand rubbing her back and another on the back of her. "It's okay. I'm here."

"G-get away from me, I have to..."

"No. It's enough already, Homura." Madoka's words stopped her cold. It was the first time. The first time she had called her by her first name, without an honorific. "I love you I'm sorry I made you suffer for so long, one way or another, but its over now. You can rest. Come with me. You don't have to be alone anymore. We will be together forever, Homura."

"M-madoka..." I don't deserve this, I'm unworthy of all of this. That was what she wanted to say. Because, she hadn't done this for Madoka's happiness. The simple truth was that she couldn't stand to not be by her side, more that she couldn't stand the burden she had took on. But Madoka just put one finger on her lips, and shushed her. Homura shallowed, and started crying. She just let her tears fall.

Madoka embraced her. Homura closed her eyes, hugged her back, and basked in a warmness she had almost forgotten.

At last, her heart was at peace.


End file.
